Thoughts on Annapurna

So, I'm sitting in Paris on my way back to the U.S., and can't contain my excitement re. composing this entry any longer. The past two and a half weeks in Asia have been indescribably amazing. The Himalayas have surpassed every expectation. The largesse and grandeur of these tectonic monoliths are more than just an unforgiving terrain containing the world's largest mountains, but it's also a venue to learn about yourself and a place to fall in love.

Contrary to what many new friends/acquaintances may believe, I am actually a surprisingly outdoorsy person. Yes yes, I do enjoy the occasional bougie brunch, afternoon shopping in the village, a full day spent reading/napping in a park. But I also love exposing myself to the elements, to "roughing it" in the wilderness, to pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I think it's so easy to get wrapped up in the inanity of everyday life; you start forgetting to take care of yourself. You forget what makes you happy, makes you feel important. These past two weeks were a wake up call. It was a glorious reminder that I am the hero of my own story (thanks Srilehka). The Himalayas were one of the best teachers I've ever had, it inspired in me a renaissance to start cleaning house. To remember telling myself that life is an enormous gift, and that it's pointless to waste time grieving over something I've never had. It's strange that the majesty of the mountains evoke these emotions. I definitely didn't expect them to. Strangely it's the stubbornness of the mountains and their completely unforgiving nature that precipitated this epiphany. To be completely honest, the first few days of the trek were spent wishing the high points of the each day were spent putting my hand in someone else's--sharing that moment. Eventually, it was exactly the rigidity of those mountains that made me realize that complete rigidity is not something you'd find in a team player. I realized that going it alone in those mountains is far superior to longing for someone's presence when they don't long for you.

I know this entry has basically derailed, but I really need to digress. So, before beginning this [unintentionally existential] trek, I had come to accept being treated improperly. I accepted that I was the one that had something wrong with me, that my hope to find someone willing to compromise was irrational or futile. Well, that's what the unflinching ruthlessness of those mountains taught me: people aren't mountains. They're not several mile high towers of immovable stone. Two individuals that are meant for each other should be capable of engaging in an elaborate dance of giving and taking. To establish an equilibrium that leaves both partners feeling satisfied and fulfilled. As they say, "the essence of diplomacy is compromise." Usually, I see myself as both forgiving and diplomatic...so why must I always be the one that compromises? Well, I'm done. To follow the buddhistic principle of "om mani padme hum", I must strive to do what I can to eliminate suffering in the world. From my own perspective that simply means I must let certain things leave my life. Even if those things are people about whom I care a great deal. Yes, it definitely sucks that life rarely goes according to plan, but, luckily that disheartening truth is also a world of opportunity. It can serve to remind even the most defeated individual that life can change in an instant. That things really do get better.

It provides a lot of comfort to know that the world is incredibly
beautiful, and can teach you so many things!
~ Mt. Gangapurna near Manang, Nepal
(I took this picture on an acclimatization hike @13,000 ft)

I always find it very liberating to remember one of my favorite quotes of all time:

"I was born lost and take no pleasure in being found." ~ John Steinbeck

Here here, Mr. Steinbeck, here here. Until next time...when I'll actually discuss the specifics of the trek, and all of my evolving dreams to actually climb many of these mountains one day...I wish everyone health and happiness!

xoxo APGB